I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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