Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
