I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Also, beer. Big fan.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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