I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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