Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
