Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
