Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Watching her eat just hurts me
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
