I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
