Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
