I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I think I just sharted jello shots
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