Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
