There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
The Olympian is in my bed
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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