3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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