she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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