why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
