I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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