Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
