OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
