Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
