You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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