just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
