I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
