rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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