i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
