Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
