there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
