If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
