And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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