she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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