he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
