I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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