she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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