Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
home. puking in laundry basket.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
