Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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