Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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