i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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