I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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