Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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