You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
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