If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
