if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
