weddingsv make me drug and hornr
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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