I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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