i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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