I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
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