There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
