hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
