hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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