After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
so let's talk penis.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
