haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just threw up on my dentist
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
