I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
