just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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