remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
