i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
now i know why i became what i already was.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
