Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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