We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
