Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
