why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
tequila makes me forget i have legs
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize