did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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